Fall From Grace
In light of a recent transgression, I've been doing a bit of reading lately on this subject. What I'm finding is that there are many different categories of collapse; the United States for example, has been experiencing a cataclysmic fall from grace, and on a worldwide stage to boot. Setbacks, scandals and slips are all too familiar within the corporate world, where every penny earned hinges on maintaining a solid reputation. Celebrities keep the tabloid industry thriving with their public gaffes and indiscretions. Winona Ryder, Mel Gibson, and most recently Michael Richards have felt the full sting of consequences resulting from their actions; their reputations became unraveled and are seriously tarnished.
But I'm interested more in the everyday personal fall from grace, the kind an ordinary person experiences when they've done something wrong, something that appears to be terribly out-of-character, something that changes the view others always held of them.
I experienced a very serious fall from grace about 5 years ago, the repercussions of which resonate with me to this day. I was living in a marriage that was mutually loveless, held in place only by the children my husband and I both adored, and in my loneliness I drifted into an affair. Although he was aware of my infidelity my husband chose to ignore it, which in turn gave me a sense of entitlement to continue it.
That affair eventually ended, as all affairs do...but trailing in it's wake was the impetus to finally go ahead with the divorce we both had long wanted, but delayed for the sake of our children. The divorce was never about the affair, after all - but you can only stay together so long "for the kids" before even more damage is inflicted overall.
I didn't escape my indiscretion without paying a price, however. An email account inadvertantly left open and stumbled upon by one of our children changed everything. All the lovingly explained and carefully thought-out reasons we'd given them for ending our marriage became discredited and moot in light of this discovery. For children facing the trauma of a family about to be broken, it pretty much comes down to the black and white; who to blame. It was heartbreaking and painful - one of those life-altering moments you wish you could forever erase.
It was through this terrible fall from grace with my own children that I learned redemption actually does exist. It's taken understanding and patience, love, and lots and lots of time, but my children are proof of this fact.
I'll never be the shining model of motherhood they once believed I was, and in my grief over how I hurt them that was a significant loss - but I also realized that they would've begun discarding that ideal regardless, simply in the process of growing up. Every child eventually begins to see their parents as the real and imperfect human beings they are, complete with flaws and foibles - but it's the children who can see beyond those things that have learned firsthand for themselves what forgiveness means.
No matter if it was a major or minor transgression, a fall from grace isn't something to be dismissed or taken lightly, but neither do you have to let it define you. There will always be the inevitable fallout and unintended collateral damage, and saddest of all, the ones who may never quite trust you again.
All part of the consequences you have to bear, albeit made more tolerable when paired with the knowledge that redemption can and does exist, you need only to seek it by making reconciliation, and hopefully in time you will find it.
