Internet Dating Update

Haven't done this for a long time...but I'm about to take the plunge once again. Yes folks, I'm about to take a graceful swan dive into the swirling vortex of online dating, and it remains to be seen whether I'll end up making a smacking belly flop. Later this week I'm going to meet a fascinating man I've been corresponding with for the past month through the Onion. Yup, that's right - The Onion has a personals website and it is by far one of the better ones, sort of an eclectic anti-E-Harmony, if you will. At the very least, you know the pool of people there are going to have a sense of humor. Of course, I'm looking for much more than just that. A huge bank account, vacation homes, no heirs, yada yada yada, you know - my soul mate.

सो it turns out the gentleman that I'll be meeting with this week is a writer for Salon (take that, Slate!) and much more. What attracted me to him you may ask? Well, he passed my initial test of requirements with his personal profile ad; namely:

1. No mention of "likes to take long walks" as I prefer being driven places.

2. No mention of "likes to cuddle" - Excuse me, but what a totally faggy thing for a man to say about himself. What am I, your grandmother?

3. Which brings me to some tips for all potential online daters out there. When posting your Reasonably Attractive Picture From This Decade, consider these suggestions:

Let us see an image that shows your face, but not a photograph taken two inches away from your computer webcam:

(Go towards the light, idiot. Keep going.)




And Dear God, please...शव यौर स्तोमच फर्स्ट!



Nor should you be using the computer in the Drug Rehab activity room when Nurse Ratched isn't looking:



Anyhoo...I'll be sure to let all of you out there in blogland know how our first date goes. Or not.

Oh, Aretha!

Girl, where did all that R.E.S.P.E.C.T. go?!?

The Grant Miller Interview

Recently, I was honored to be chosen for a mano-on-womano interview, with the esteemed Grant Miller, of Grant Miller Media:

GM: You have two blogs, topazz (with a zz) and another called WikiFray. How verbose are you that you require two blogs?
topazz: CUT! Don't you dare call me verbose, Grant Miller. And quit focusing that camera on you the whole time.

GM: You work in a college admissions office. What's the dumbest thing you've ever seen or heard an applicant say or write?
topazz: "topazz, do you ever date students?" (No, idiot. It's the college that has the "Open Admissions" policy. I have standards.)

GM: Finish this sentence: "Money is the ___of ____."
topazz: "Not Having Money is the root of all evil."

GM: You live in Pennsylvania. Why?
topazz: Grant Miller, please! Put that back in your pants, or I shall faint! Land sakes, I've never seen anything so huge!

GM: Why should people read your blog?
topazz: 10 words, Grant Miller: I cover the issues pertinent to MILFs and Feminists alike, in addition to motherhood musings, life after divorce, recipes and the occasional kinky sexual technique.

Thanks for reading!